Why online dating makes me want to punch myself in the face

This may sound extreme but bear with me. I have dipped my toe into online dating on more than one occasion over the past 3 years. And I can say that I have had a 0% success rate. With a lot of disappointment, a string of dates with men that just didn’t amount to anything and some ghosting thrown in for good measure, it’s safe to say I have not ‘completed’ Tinder or perfected Plenty of Fish.

I first got Tinder around 3 years ago after I split up with my then boyfriend of 5.5 years – I was in my element. I went on lots of dates (some good, some terrible) but this new time of dating when I was around 21 increased my confidence and made me aware that there are plenty more people out there. When I got back into online dating in 2017, it was all a haze of crappy chat, stressy situations and mixed signals. It’s a mindfield for me, I can’t seem to make it work and even though my closest friends have all gotten amazing boyfriends from it, I struggle to get past the second date.

I have received my fair share of creepy, inappropriate and down right rude messages on each and every one of the big apps – Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Bumble. Here are some of my favourites *eyeroll*…

When you’re not down for a rollercoaster ride.
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When you’ve broken down and this is not what you want to talk about.

 

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I just wanted to meet his dog. Shame.
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When you’re honest about what you prefer on a man.
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That well known Office US quote: “Bears. Beets. Tits”
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Ah, the old when you don’t get what you want call someone fat trick.

ABSOLUTE TRASH. Here was my response *punches the air*

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So ladies and gents, let me know if you agree with any of these…

1) You feel pressured to become some sort of first line wizard.
I’m not shy about messaging a man first (it winds me up when women expect men to woo them first – if I like the look of someone, why the hell shouldn’t I message them?!) but the pressure to send a witty, non-weird, funny and overall AMAZING first message is a bit much. I try not to get annoyed when guys send a simple ‘hey how are you?’ because most conversations do genuinely start with that – online or offline. How awful that people are judged and dismissed based on their opening line and a conversation that could have been great, never even got started.

2) Things can get sexual almost immediately.
We’ve all been there. We have the initial ‘how’re you?’ messages exchanged, ‘what are you up to?’ and then BOOM ‘you horny? What you wearing? You on Snapchat?’. I literally roll my eyes and unmatch straight away when this happens. What makes you think that you not wanting to get to know ME will make you successfully get into my pants? Good job you absolute moron.

3) You can’t be seen to be too keen
I find it so infuriating that there is some sort of unspoken rule about not coming on too strong and being so laid back you’re almost horizontal even though you’re starting to really get on with someone. If you want to say you like someone – DON’T BE SILLY! You can’t actually say that. Oh no. You have to act all cool and nonchalant and as if you don’t care too much about this person and how they’re doing. It’s all so complicated when it doesn’t need to be.

4) You don’t want to tell anyone you’re talking to someone new in case it goes up in flames.
There have been a couple of occasions where I told my friends and family about someone that I have started talking to and as soon as people get wind of it, it’s like it becomes a massive focus of your life. For this reason, it makes it doubly hard when it doesn’t work out because telling people and talking about it just heightens the feeling of disappointment yet another failed go at the dating scene has left you with. I find myself being some secret ninja, not wanting to reveal the identity of this mysterious man I’m messaging. Before you know it he would have proposed and my Mum would still be none the wiser…

5) You sometimes feel like a bit of bike.
I know this term refers to someone who sleeps around, but I have definitely felt like I’ve done the dating rounds in terms of meeting men and it leading to nothing. It can be very disheartening when you go on a number of dates yet still can’t find anyone decent.

6) People are different online.
Yep, everyone can come across completely different on a screen. Tone of voice in text is a whole other story which yet again makes getting to know someone this way so difficult! It’s nicer when you share voice notes or phone calls because at least you can hear how things are said and get more of an idea about how that person is. Even so, I dated someone over a period of 5 dates, thinking it would lead somewhere, for them to turn around and ignore all my messages. Ghosting really is shit.

7) It’s more about an ego boost than actual dating now.
This applies to Tinder more than the other apps out there but swiping right and matching someone just gives people that boost now. It’s more about numbers of matches but not about actually speaking to people with the hope of getting on a date.

8) If you don’t get a date booked in soon, it fizzles out.
My bestie Liss gave me the best advice – when it still feels exciting at the start online, you need to book a date in asap. Otherwise the longer you leave it, the more doubts creep in and you convince yourself that it’s probably not worth meeting up. What’s the worst that can happen? You don’t click and you say so! Goodbye and have a nice life! Simples.

9) People are lazy.
When people don’t write a bio, I tend to think they’re not serious about putting their self on a dating site to actually find someone to date. If a guy doesn’t write anything, it’s a bit of a turn off. It just reinforces how shallow Tinder is.

10) If you actually get to the point of meeting someone – it’s scary AF because what if they’re a murderer?
I like to think I’m a good judge of character but sometimes people can turn out to be very different (not necessarily on the first date but a few months down the line). Be careful, let at least one friend know the name of the person you’re meeting, where you’re meeting and what time. You’re basically meeting up with a stranger so treat it with caution. As well as this, there is a new service that a lot of bars and pubs are offering now called #AskAngela. Ask at the bar if you’re feeling uncomfortable or want to get a taxi home and they will help you 🙂

As this is the positiff blog, I’m trying not to let the world of dating get me down. Even though I feel that the days of introductions through mutual friends, meeting your future hubby at a dance (like my Grandparents!) and meeting someone in the real world aren’t as easy, it could still happen by a swipe or a message. If you’ve ever been online/are currently going through the dating debacle, hang in there. It can work for some people. It’s just annoying that 2017 wasn’t successful for me and continues to be a bit of a mindf*ck!

Some advice:
– Log on if and when you want to – don’t make it the be all and end all!
– Don’t feel like you have to reply to any messages to ‘be polite’ – it’s a cut throat world and to find happiness, you have to sift through a lot of shit.
– Try not let the arseholes get you down.

Maybe I should hop back on a plane and try meet someone the other side of the world…

With lots if love and taking a break from the swiping tonight!
Tiff
xx

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10 thoughts

  1. Honestly related SO much to all of this. I’ve tried Tinder on and off for a few years now, and nothing ever worked. My friend recently found herself an amazing guy on there so I thought I’d give it another go… got talking to a really nice lad and then got ghosted. So that’s kind of solidified my mindset of not wanting to use dating apps🤷🏼‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Those messages make me so mad, i can say on behalf of most guys, we are not like all the creeps you find on tinder, they’re just desperate for a bit of action. If you’re lucky you might find a few decent people!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This sounds pretty bad. Hope 2018 is better for you. I feel like you have to go through a lot of ‘not the one(s)’ to find the right one. I am pretty scared about this whole concept myself but seeing that it works out for some people does give me some hope. I recently heard a dialogue from a movie that I liked and it said, “If you keep searching for something, you will eventually find it.” So keep on going, my friend! I am sure he’s out there waiting to get in touch with you as well. It’s just a matter of time, that’s all.

    Liked by 1 person

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