Ah, the shopping trip. Traipsing around all the shops, hoping to find the perfect outfit or accessory, at the best price. We’re trying to be all savvy and sassy but in reality it’s all just a little bit exhausting…
1. ” Today is the day, I’ma get everything I set out to buy.”
We all start with the list. The list of things we NEED. We have the pep talk, you know, the “only the items on the list Tiff, you’re poor and can’t afford to stray” type talk. But alas, half an hour in you end up in Boots buying a £15 matte lipstick, clutching it to your chest as you hot foot it to the till, whispering ‘my precious’ Gollum style.
2. “Aw okay, yeah I’ll go see what’s in Topshop”
This translates to ‘go to Topshop and look whimsically at all the clothes for 5 minutes before crying inside and leaving’. They look like they’re made for dolls and I’m sorry but a size 12 in Topshop makes me feel like I’m a size 20. WHAT IS WITH THAT. We’re not all Kate Moss ffs.
3. “H&M will be a bit better…”
WRONG. I now feel like a whale when trying on the ‘L’ jumpers and look at all the cute printed t-shirts wondering if I can ever pull off a ‘feminist’ slogan. Hmm. Don’t worry gals, it’s part of the H&M experience to feel obese after visiting. It doesn’t mean you need to go check your BMI.
4. “Primark will be great. I can always rely on Primark.”
Why is it that £15 for a cardigan in Primark is ridiculously expensive? Yet in River Island it’s like WOW must buy it, such good value! Sometimes the fit of Primark clothes is completely off the mark too. I’ll be standing in the changing rooms looking at my baggy crotch in the jeans I picked up and can’t even get a top over my boobs. WHYYYY. Ah well, can always stock up on £1 panties.
5. “New Look will definitely have something.”
For me, New Look are very true to size and I can rely on them the most to find a good fitting outfit. I LOVE YOU NEW LOOK, STAY YOU.
6. “Boots, be good to me.”
Uh oh. For us advantage card holders, buying every single toiletry here is completely necessary. You ‘pop in’ for some dry shampoo and end up with a basket piled high with £45 worth of makeup, false eyelashes and some new moisturiser you don’t really need. Oh and don’t forget a Boots own brand nail polish so you can use that voucher they gave you at the till last time…
7. “Oh sweet Jesus is that what I look like?”
There is nothing quite like shit changing room lighting to boost your self esteem. Seriously, sort it out. I ain’t spending my money if the mirror makes me look like an anaemic sausage trying to squeeze into a dress.
8. “Well, I tried.”
Looking down at your shopping bags and realising you just have a shit load from Boots, some bits from the pound shop and one measly top. You have nothing you needed, but are now £50+ poorer and feeling a bit confused as to why you can’t stick to a bloody list.
9. “Wow this is hard work, FOOD?!”
Brunching and lunching is all part and parcel of the shopping trip. If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time umming and ahhing over where to go, then just head to the Golden Arches for your usual order anyway. #chickenselectsplease
10. “Sod this, I’ll just go home and spend hours online shopping.”
Failing to do the physical act of shopping only means one thing, heading home and scrolling the sites and adding hundreds of pounds worth of stuff you can’t afford to your basket. My combined wish lists on ASOS and New Look alone total £435. Great! If only money grew on trees like in Sims.
Seriously though, shopping is one of my favourite things. It’s a shame I’m yet to make my fortune so I can spend money like it’s going out of fashion…
With love and now opening up ASOS for another scroll…